Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in oscarsgrl86's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 7th, 2005
7:49 pm	so i got home on friday: my dad flew me and amy home. amy slept almost the whole way...hangover. saturday: i went with my mom to take cassie and tigger (two of our five cats) to the vet. tigger is fine but cassie is a different story. she's diabetic. she has to get two shots of insulin every day now. she's so lethargic, it's so sad to watch. i love her so much...i've had her since i was 5! she's always been there for me. i know it's weird to say about a cat but cassie is different. i hope she gets better. anyways, saturday night i went with curtis to see "godspell" at incarnate word. it was pretty good considering all the characters were girls, except for brad sova and patrick murphy! i hadn't seen them in a while so it was nice seeing them. and i saw kari brown there too! after the play we went to denny's and ate...we had a few laughs...actually A LOT of laughs...it was so nice to see curtis. sunday: i vegged all day. i heard about the two kids who died on hwy 94. they were my brother's age. it would be like loosing my own brother so i know how the two boys' siblings feel. i cried all night. just the thought of loosing someone i love breaks my heart. my love is genuine love...even if i hate you, even if i'm mad at you, even if you hate me...i still love you. think about it...can you do the same? Current Mood: blank Current Music: the t.v. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 19th, 2005
2:07 pm	1. i exclude myself because i already feel excluded 2. i say nothing is wrong so you stop asking, i don't want attention 3. when i say i'm going to do something, i do it, i don't change my mind 5 minutes later 4. i do so much for other people but i don't get recognized for it 5. the only time i'm happy now is if i keep myself busy doing something...theatre 6. i can't talk to someone who doesn't listen to me or will not even give me the chance to listen to what they have to say...i've said time and time again...say it to my face...i hate doing these live journals and IM's back and forth, if we can't talk in person, we can't talk at all and that is a problem for me i don't want to even say any more because i feel anything i say it is turned back around on me and i'm the only one in the wrong. yes i accept i'm in the wrong at times but how is it fair if other people can't accept they are in the wrong at times? this was said to me: "you have problems with me, i don't have any problems with you, so that's your problem, not mine" how am i supposed to solve the problem when the problem doesn't accept they are doing something wrong? Current Mood: blah Current Music: none (Comment on this)
1:35 am	leave me alone i can't even begin to say how i feel...i don't know what i feel any more. when i say something's wrong, no one listens to me. they blow it off like it's no big deal...you know how i say that i feel like i'm alone in a crowded room? well i have analyzed my dream from last night. the dream was this: i'm in a room about the size of an average sized living room and everyone i have met since i've been to college is in this room. i'm in the middle of the room talking...talking to nobody in particular but just talking. i have finally realized what it means...no one is listening to what i'm saying in the dream, therefore, no one listens to me in real life. why may you ask am i saying this to everyone? i don't even know...fuck this whole thing Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: "so cold" by breaking benjamin (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
2:06 pm	my weekend...zack from seein dan trtanj (from freakin' 5th grade), james, randel, and leah to giving zack a reality check...this weekend was pretty good. friday i went to one of randel's friend's place and drank there...i rode with james and we had some pretty funny conversations...one really funny one...lol. and i talked to zack over the phone...he was so drunk the second time he called, i couldn't understand what the hell he was saying, it was all mumbled together. saturday, i actually saw him...we all went to john's house (a guy i met the night before) and drank there...big drama fest at the end of the night. randel's ex was being a big slut and hanging on all of the guys who had girls there...she succeeded in getting all of us pissed off, especially leah. as i said, i gave zack a reality check...i actually think he was about to cry! but i could be wrong. anyways, we went back to my house after cause leah couldn't go back inside...and that is pretty much it. zack met up with us later...we said good bye(me and zack)not much talking involved...i've realized how much i'm going to miss him. talking, laughing...*cough*the sex*cough*...i think its just the thought of almost having something and it never happening...and why do i hate valentines day? i also have a feeling that with my luck i will never see him again and that he'll go to iraq.......i'm just so scared for him (randel too). my mom is a freakin marine! i know how she feels when she has to tell a soldier's family that they won't be coming home...i know how she gets, its worse for the family. that is why i'm crying myself to sleep every night. i can't take this...i'm broken...i'm hurt...i've given up. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: some soothing music (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
11:53 pm	i have never felt so lonely...i want to cuddle! any takers??? Current Mood: tired Current Music: i had the time of my life (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
8:34 pm	i don't know how i feel. i don't know how to describe the thoughts running through my head. i don't know why i ask for help when i won't get it. i don't know why i try... ...try. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: amy's playlist of fukin good songs (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
4:06 pm	... so i am bored out of my mother freakin' mind...waiting for dinner to start (4 freakin 30!!!) gosh! i'm starving! i haven't eaten freakin anything today! and now i'm quoting...i AM bored!!! blah! Current Mood: bored Current Music: hawthorne heights (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
2:02 pm	*yawn* i'm tired... tired of school tired of homework tired of trying to be what people expect me to be tired of keeping secrets tired of lying tired, just plain tired i'm tired... love to all Current Mood: tired Current Music: "Brick" by Ben Folds (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
7:08 pm	meh i'm feeling like blah..... does anyone have a hyper pill???? hmm...maybe...nah! i'll get hyper later, cause that always happens. what can i say? i'm weird. and people love me. Current Mood: blah Current Music: garth brooks (Comment on this)
Monday, January 24th, 2005
2:02 pm	... so...my betta fish, which i've had for three years, died two days ago...louie rest in peace. anyways...nicole has been doing good. i'll be going home this weekend to see my siblings in their anual piano recital and also to hopefully tie up some loose ends with a cerain person. as far as i'm concerned he can suck on a flag pole after...what? meh. i'm trying to move on. but right now, there is stuff to be done. tootles! Current Mood: calm Current Music: Rob Zombie-"Dragula" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
3:49 pm	... would you know how to tell a personal secret to someone and not get a backlash of negative comments? cause this one person, i think, needs to know something...but i don't know how to say it. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: t.v. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 17th, 2005
7:06 pm	... why is life so unpredictible? why can't it ever go my way? maybe because it hates me... Current Mood: in another word...meh Current Music: none...sound of music in my head (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
12:35 pm	**** this shit Does anyone know what it's like to feel alone in a crowded room? I do... ...that's how I feel. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: none...amy is napping (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
4:36 pm	Oh! that music coming from amy's computer? senses fail. lol. i crack myself up. Current Mood: silly Current Music: smile empty soul: this is war (Comment on this)
3:38 pm	i'm kinda behind so i've been so behind! my winter break was...blech because i was with family the whole time and when i got to my cousin's house for new years they already had plans, so i was with my aunts and uncles...pretty much...parents the whole new years. that was poop...anyfuck, not much happening in nicoleland well except for zack being his normal ass-like self and not telling me that he wouldn't be here this semester. by the way:amy! that's the reason i was down in the dumps :) i get back to my home and i'm in the worst mood? that is stupid man. so nothing much going on...oh wait! also except for blake...oh you all would be happy for me with this one. i met him when i stayed with brooke's house after school let out. he's from fulton, still in high school, 17(who cares about age anyways?), cute, good kisser, etc. like everything about him feels perfect...i just can't fall for him too soon because i did that with zack (because he treated me so very well at the beginning) and if i fall and get my hopes up i know all of it will come tumbling down on my head...so i'm watching myself right now. so anyfuck, last night was a good night. first off, me, amy, brooke, and garrett went to a room on the 3rd floor where we drank a mixture of stuff "a paint can", we met up with steve, kyle (yes another one), tabby, erica, and some others whom i didn't exactly get their names in that room. we then went to pine street where we went to fan club (which was free for some reason), and that was stupid so we went to garrison's where we saw kyle m. and all them kids and we saw bink, keller, and kyle wolfe! that was good to see them and get hugs. meanwhile i'm having brooke call blake so we can meet up with him and rhett (who eventually went to the hospital later because he got jumped) anyways, i finally spotted blake in garrison's, which once we saw each other it was like perfect, in other words, we didn't see anybody else in garrison's except each other. that's what it felt like. anyways that reunion was a good one. but then we all went back to fan club while rhett and blake stayed at garrison's (blake said that he needed to spend time with rhett ("boys time")and that he would call me at 1:30. so anyways we went to fan club and saw kyle m. and all them again. we saw justin! and art!!! so lets just say me and amy were happy. especially to see all our boys. we left fan club at 1 (when it closed, well they actually kicked people out so they could close) anyways, came back to the dorm, dropped in on kyle m. and zach. then blake called so me and brooke went down to get him and rhett at the front. and the rest of the night was a good one...lets just say that amy didn't get to sleep in her bed the first night back. :) sorry for that amy. but aren't you happy that i said good night to you? and threw so pj pants at you?! lol. anyways, blake would have stayed longer if rhett hadn't gone to the hospital...he left at 7:30ish...after that, it was kinda cold. i think i got 3 good hours of sleep and 3 hours of restless sleep. but either way it was good...cuddling is my new favorite thing...wait...it has always been my favorite thing. lol. anyways...comment people. ttyl. Current Mood: yet...i don't know Current Music: meh? i don't know...it's coming from amy's computer (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
10:32 am	Why don't you tell me how you really feel??? i don't know why people hold back what they really feel about me...let me have it! how do you really feel? Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: the t.v. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
8:21 pm	Blech! ok so i feel like poop. i was supposed to go to lunch with todd today but i got f***ing sick! dammit! he said that he hopes i feel better. i feel so weak. i can't stay sitting up too long because then i start feeling dizzy and i get shaky like i'm going to fall over. i can't focus on one thing at a time...i feel like i'm dying. (the weakness, my chest feeling like it's closing in on me, all the shit that's going on in my head...) i just want to cry beacuse of all of it...but no tears will come. anyways, there is this poem that i have been wanting to share with everyone...here it goes: HAVE YOU EVER Have you ever lived my life? Spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven't then tell me why You judge me as you do. Have you ever woken up in the morning Wondering if this was your last day on Earth? Have you ever left your house Unsure if you'd return? Have you ever seen your friend get shot Outside his favorite store? Have you ever you ever seen a friend die From drugs he'd never used before? Have you ever seen your mom get beat up By your stepdad messed up on booze? Have you ever had an unwanted pregnancy Forcing you to choose? Have you ever sat beneath the stars Hoping God will hear? Have you ever seen your friend drive away After way too many beers? Have you ever had a friend Experiment with weed? Have you ever covered up guilt By doing a good deed? Have you ever considered suicide As the only way? Have you ever tried to hide yourself Behind the things you say? Have you ever wanted to protect Your friends and everyone in sight? Have you ever felt such pain That you cried yourself to sleep at night? Have you ever lived my life, Spent one minute in my shoes? If you haven't, then tell me why You judge me as you do. it's just something to think about...ilu all! Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: my new playlist titled: "Leave Me Alone (to cry)" (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
7:12 pm	I don't know anymore... i am so confused now...i haven't talked to todd in like forever...it's prolly schoolwork getting in the way but i still have a feeling...here it goes: on friday after hanging out with me he left to go do something with his friend bob (at least that is what he told me) i went to the fraternity complex and hung out with those guys...there was this girl who kept calling zack, i know i shouldn't care, but after he got off the phone one time he was like saying that todd was like trying to get zack to come "rescue him" from that girl who kept calling zack...so todd was with her? he called me the next day saying that he was at a girl's dorm room for help on ecology homework (but she was plastered) then she said the she was tired and that she wanted to go to bed but she didn't want todd to leave until she fell asleep (he said that he didn't leave until an hour later) what?! ok he told me this so that i wouldn't have to find out from someone else? or is it to cover up the real story? because from what zack was saying on the phone (i was eavesdropping) those stories don't add up. i can't trust anyone!!! i don't understand how i can come clean to people but they can't come clean to me...nobody realizes how honest i am with who i am...and that i can keep something to myself concerning other people. reason i'm depressed? i can't fix this problem. (i don't know who to believe, who to trust) my mind is finished...i think too damn much and i let my heart get tied up in knots...i have never been able to fully trust someone since daniel...he ruined it all for me...i hate feeling like this... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
11:58 am	...continued ok back to where i was...where was i? oh yeah! so randel came back and me, garrett, zack and randel went down to garrett's room to look/listen at/to a beat box guy and then they watched some porn which i was like...meh. then i left to get randel some soup because he was locked out of his room and he was hungry and whining something horrible...so i left and then zack followed and we went to check if justin, z & r's suite mate, was home, he was. so, we hung around in thereand told justin if randel came to the door, not to let him in. randel got in tho. and he yelled and slammed doors (he has an anger problem). anyfuck, after a while i was coming back to my room and zack followed and woke amy up ("why are you sleeping?! it's too early to sleep!") then he asked me to fix his shoulder, he had dislocated it this past weekend, and i said that i had to take a shower first. i did and then i massaged his shoulder a bit. (his shoulder is so bad!) anyfuck then we were watching skateboarding triple crown or whatever and zack was tickling me, like regular tickling and amy was like i have a headache so if you could be quiet or leave...we quieted down and watched skateboarding some more. i tried to sleep but zack kept moving cause of his shoulder and how uncomfortable it is cause it hurts of course. then he said he was going to take a shower, like i was like...meh, ok? and he went into OUR bathroom, mine and amy's!!! i turned off the tv and i was going to go to bed when he poked his head out and asked if i was coming...i was like ??? and i went in there and he strted taking off his clothes and i turned around (even though i've seen those goods) and he got into the shower...i sat on the toilet and he was like talking to me while he was showering...it felt weird but then again i wasn't really tired like i was earlier...he talked about nothingness and he sang a bit which made me laugh. then he got out...used MY towel and got dressed again. then we went to his a randel's room and watched the end of jerry maguire and some other show and then zack and randelwent to get cigs...i came back to the room and went to bed. they have been acting strangly...that is what i'm confused about. Current Mood: confused Current Music: hawthorne heights (3 Comments |Comment on this)
9:24 am	one crazy night... ok so last night after me and amy finished our papers, we went up to the house because randel called wanting us up there...i don't know why, i didn't ask...anyfuck, we got up there, got hugs, amy played washers, it was kinda boring, some of the guys went sledding, and we left around 11. we came back to our room and zack came up later saying that randel was "busy" in their room, i said he could hang in here. he did stuff on my compputer, and garrett came up and they did some other stuff...i got on the computer and zack kept sending it into hibernation! i finally just turned it off. later...i'm going to have to finish this later...i have to go to class. sorry! :) Current Mood: confused Current Music: the t.v. (Comment on this)